We All Grieve Differently

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving

This is a post I have felt a need to write, but one I have been battling inside. Grief is such a personal thing, such a personal journey and it is not easy to put into words. I write this mainly to help those especially who have not had a lot of loss to know how to best approach someone grieving and when they do have to experience it, maybe they'll learn from my mistakes.

Now, I can say up until my early 30's I had not lost many people in my life, it was not something I had to deal with or felt much about, I didn't think more than a few moments about the afterlife or losing someone. I was raised very religiously and in my family was taught that our loved ones are always with us and that we can be together for eternity. That is how I was raised, we are all raised differently, have different beliefs and there are those who have no beliefs, which is okay, we are all different.

So from that little bit of background, up until I was 20, I had never really experienced death, I had only been to one funeral to that point. On my 20th birthday, my grandmother who I loved dearly died, which has stayed with me. Unfortunately at that time, I couldn't go back east to her funeral, so I don't know if I let myself truly deal or handle her death the best way possible. Years later my other grandmother would go, she had lived a good long life so for me personally at that point, I missed her, but I felt she had come and fulfilled and done all she needed to do here. She was in her 90's. Others had around that time as well passed, an aunt, and others I knew, but I was able to cope and keep going.

I had no idea at all in my mind, that within two years of my grandmother's funeral, I would lose my father. This truly felt like my first real dealing with death, my first experience on what it is to truly lose someone and know what grieving is.

Now one of my best and worst qualities is my work ethic, I am a work-a-holic, to the point where I have recently been trying with my therapist to work on just "being," just sitting, not trying to tackle everything, it's hard, I work both because I love it, and partly because it is a neurotic OCD need and somehow I feel if I don't do it, no one ever will. I work 14 hour days a lot, between just the normal day job and hours and hours of time I spend on my businesses and various other projects. When my dad passed I can admit I went into task mode, I just "do," as my initial reaction. I remember my mother telling me the news, I cried for a moment on her shoulder but didn't know how or what to feel, I very much go into shock mode, after accidents, after death, I don't know how to feel, so in some ways, I just don't allow feelings. I with my sister called the siblings after knowing the news of dad, then I did probably 50 - 60 death calls, meaning calling everyone and his freelance employers to let them know he passed. I hate those calls, but it was what I needed to do. I had never been good about talking about my feelings, dealing with emotion, if I had issues or problems, I kept them to myself, slowly building and building upon itself. The idea of being vulnerable was a nightmare.

I didn't know how to feel, I knew I missed my father and did have a breakdown at his viewing, but I couldn't deal with the emotions, I didn't know how to handle them. In not dealing with them I didn't sleep for roughly 6 months straight. I was averaging about 1-2 hours at max a night and would work... basically never dealing with the emotions or what was going on inside. I missed my Dad daily and everything seemed to remind me of him. I had tried to be the strong one, which is worse than the person letting themself feel. Being the one who would try to take care of others or check in on them, and pushing down the emotions.. It is so unhealthy..

In not dealing with the emotions over time they just grew inside... I, after 2 years went to grief counseling which I highly highly recommend, and was able to gain some perspective there and also finally unleash the feelings that had been so tightly kept in. It felt like a volcano erupting, I hadn't known how sick trying to be strong had made me.... how close I was to having breakdowns just in life because I was not confronting any emotions or finding any way to release them. To be open, talk, feel and be vulnerable would be a challenge, but to also be that way would feel amazing. Allowing myself to feel to experience the pain would be healing.

I do truly believe that funerals, when you lose someone, are a celebration of their life, that you remember and focus on the legacy they left and the love you felt, but that still doesn't mean you don't hurt and won't continue to hurt.

Losing my niece, well.... it still hurts. I can say I don't hurt as her parents or siblings do, but none-the-less I still feel the sting. I have caught myself getting into habits, working myself tirelessly to forget or to not feel, since that day and ignoring the fact that just a month ago we lost a sweet angel.

But I also can see I have grown... I have had to stop working and remember that it is okay to feel, that it is okay to not be strong. It is okay to cry, okay to miss her, okay to just be.... it is such a personal thing, and to remember to ignore the words of others although they mean well, and just focus on my own journey through grief.

There are two words of wisdom I share here, just reminders for when you know someone experiencing grief, things that although we are taught to say are better-left unsaid:

1) One of the worst things you can say to a person who is grieving is: "They are in a better place." or "This is all part of the plan." "You are so strong, you'll get through this." and lastly the one I have heard more than most...."It's been a while you just need to get over this."

Now, these little platitudes we are taught both in religion and from our upbringings to say. They may not seem harmful but they are. To tell a person to be strong or that they are strong while during the process of grieving puts an immense responsibility and pressure on them, they need to know it is okay if you feel, it is okay to not have it together, it is okay to cry or lose it sometimes, you have to feel those feelings. I read this quote from the following article about having to be the strong one:

"......You’re setting expectations for behavior that are tough to live up to — perhaps because it brings you comfort to think the bereaved is coping well. “Grievers are award-winning actors,” says Lockmyer, “because that’s how people want to see us.” - Kristen Stuart, Considerable

When you say to someone they are in a better place or it is part of the plan, they may not be religious, or if they are they may believe that, but that still shouldn't mean they don't feel and still miss the fact that that person isn't with them. You still miss that person, you still feel that pain, and need to work through that pain, you need to allow yourself to feel it initially. Also, you never get over someone, I still miss my dad daily, you don't get over losing a loved one, you just get through it. Working through the grief may take weeks or it may take years, it is their own personal journey, but to, "get over" it or tell them to move on is not the right thing to do. Overtime the sting hurts a bit less, but it takes time and eventually you will continue to take each day as it comes, but inside you never get over them, you start to live for them.

The best advice is to simply listen, let them cry on your shoulder, and just be there for them. We don't always need to feel the urge to talk... it is more powerful to be quiet and just be there. It shows love, empathy, and compassion.

2) Stop asking how the person is doing.... I know this sounds counterintuitive but it is... this quote below says it best:

"When you offer this well-worn phrase, the person is most likely hearing something different: Something like, “Please tell me you’re doing ok, because it’s uncomfortable if you say you’re not doing well,” says Brennan. When faced with this question, people are more likely to respond with “fine” or “OK,” rather than really communicating their feelings.

What to say instead: “It’s really tough right now for you.”

“Acknowledge that what they’re going through right now is very painful,” says Soffer. Don’t gloss over their feelings—let them have the chance to grieve fully and without judgment." - Liz Steelman, Real Simple

Grief really is a journey, it is personal, it is hard, it is truly one of the hardest things a person can experience, it isn't the same for each person, it takes time, and those they lose, truly always stay with them but you still miss them. Be there for the person to give a hug or an ear, but be sensitive and most of all not self-righteous, just show love and compassion.

May we all when faced with this trail be able to go forth and handle this storm when they come. It's all about taking a breath and putting one foot in front of the other.

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” - William Penn