Last week I cried...

Last week I cried... big ugly tears.

Now I am not a super emotional person unless it is truly personal, I like to keep it under control, work on things internally, but I couldn't help it. I had been watching and reading so much about the coronavirus my heart was hurting. I hurt for all those that were sick or dying, all those that were afflicted by this hardship. I felt like I was feeling the pain of the world.

It had me crying regarding my own life too, it is one of those things that when you let the flood gates open, everything comes out. I have my own health problems I deal with daily and last Monday as I have been getting over a cold and seasonal allergies, I had had a friend crying to me earlier that day. She thought with the way the world is and how much the virus is spreading that I was going to die next because of what I deal with normally, that I was bound to catch the virus and pass away. I assured her at that moment I was okay and isolating and just getting over a cold. I tried not to think of my own health, I have a lot of issues, but I am able to move and walk and be as healthy as I can at the moment. It had me thinking though... if it was my time was I ready? I found myself crying at the idea of life being cut short.

I in so many ways thought no... I am not ready to go and I had to take a moment to get it together. I cried mainly at the thought of not having truly lived, the idea of mourning a life that was finished, the unlived life. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a great life so far, have traveled a little bit, have amazing friends and family and have done a lot. But the thought of the life unlived for some reason really got to me. Does that make any sense... I don't think isolation in this quarantine helped that.

I vowed to myself from that moment to not have a day go by where I haven't truly gone for it, lived it as well and as much as possible even now as we are caged in our homes. I decided yet again to put myself out there to the world, try to date again, make more friends, be vulnerable, be honest, push my health goals even more, see more, love more, be me... after all as the OneRepublic song says:

I'd like to teach the world to sing

Hope when you take that jump You don't fear the fall Hope when the water rises You built a wall Hope when the crowd screams out They're screaming your name Hope if everybody runs You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love And it hurts so bad (Yeah) The only way you can know You gave it all you had And I hope that you don't suffer But take the pain Hope when the moment comes, You'll say

I, I did it all I, I did it all I owned every second that this world could give I saw so many places, the things that I did Yeah with every broken bone I swear I lived

This song was stuck in my head for days and I will give it all I have each day. Hoping and praying today that all of you are happy and healthy and staying safe indoors. Truly praying that all can heal from this pandemic.