I did it Dad! We did it!

It had been 9 years since that evening so long ago that I tried to hike Ensign Peak for the first time with my sister Leanne and my father. I knew my dad had not been feeling well recently, but he had been a trooper and had wanted to go out with my sister and I. Leanne and I on Fridays that summer were doing what I called,” Sunset Fridays,” each week finding a new spot to go watch the sun go down.

At that time in my life, I knew my dad had a special connection to Ensign Peak in our ancestry, but knew very little about it. As I have gotten older I realized some of our ancestors had gone to that peak in the past to pray and to receive divine inspiration or comfort. I wish I had known the significance of it beforehand, what I knew of it in 2011, was the early pioneer history only, but I knew this location held a special spot in my father’s heart.

That June evening as we started to head up the sidewalk at the base of the mountain, Leanne and I noticed Dad. Dad was out of breath, out of energy, and could barely move. Having us both holding his arms we made it up to a small mountain point where he was able to sit down. Even from the point located near the base, dad looked out at the valley and took it in. We also saw him look up at the heavens with the expression that his kids knew well, a slight smile, and a knowing that there was a lot of appreciation and history in his eyes. He only ever made it to that first point and I remember him well, in the car expressing for a moment how he wished he could have gone to the top.

Fast forward to years later, after knowing that his not feeling well was cancer that eventually took him at the early age of 60. His body was shutting down for years and in the end he was never able to make it to the top of that peak we had so fondly shared and spoken about.

A year later after he passed, I had tried to hike again; note that the hike is a mile up, it winds up and behind the mountain peak to the top. I have seen physically fit folks and kids make it up there in 20 - 40 minutes or so. At that time trying to make it up, I could only make it to the first point, I was at the heaviest I have ever been in my life and my body with the damaged left leg I have, simply could not go any farther.

Fast forward yet again to 2 years later, I was determined to go up this time, I had invited my sister-in-law Michelle to come with me. Michelle is a great hiking companion because she is not the kind that verbally tries to pump me up the whole time. Yes I said that right, I hate motivational speeches when I am hiking or exercising … for me it is a personal hell to have someone trying to give you that speech. Hiking is a physical challenge, but for me, I simply have to go at my own pace, and internally I have a lot I wrestle with. She simply was there and listened, she was great and what I needed. I only at that point could make it up half of the mountain, I had hurt my knee on my good leg a month before and was in agony as I tried. Internally I was so disappointed in myself and my body for not making it up. That feeling and those emotions sat in me for years.

Now, to the present. Tuesday I was determined to hike that spot, the timing the last few months wasn’t right every time I had planned, but the day before my birthday I was not going to live another day with those emotions inside of me. The clouds were all coming in that evening as I left my brother’s house to head up there, it was windy, and this hike had plagued me for so long, I was so dead determined to accomplish it.

I said a prayer to myself in the car, and although my body was tired and achy I was not going to let anything stop me. As the wind and small drops occasionally hit me, I had to make several stops. In my head I would argue with myself, and would remind myself that you can do this, who cares if it takes you all evening, who cares if you have to sit on the side for a few minutes, just do it. Press forward, do it, it is going to hurt and it is not going to be easy, none of it ever will for you, but you need to do this.

At one point on the hike I even Marco Polo’d a friend, not wanting a response back, but telling her that my body hurt, I had no breath, and although every part of me wants to turn back for a moment I was going to keep going.

It took me a while to go up that mountain, the path up was gorgeous leading up but it had it's rocky parts, but I tried when I stopped each time to enjoy and appreciate the wild-flowers, to take in the drastic clouds set against the Salt Lake Valley.

After an hour and 20 minutes I made it up, having to sit down on some of the rocks near the monument to catch my breath and regain control of my body. As I got up in front of the monument and felt the wind hit my face I found myself sitting down and tears pouring down my cheeks. I felt my dad with me, I felt the weight of life hit me, I sat there and sobbed.

We all take different paths in our lives, some easy some hard. We all have different challenges financially, physically, mentally, etc.. We have things we all face. Recently I have been feeling and seeing my mortality more clearly, being reminded by those who have been taken too soon in life. I have been challenging myself to live each day to its fullest, to embrace life because we simply don’t know when it comes to an end. Personally I have made a few goals for myself that will change my future and after going through the pain and hardship to get there, internally I feel more motivated and happier than ever.

This hike became a symbol to me of our journey, and maybe simply mine. Life is hard, it doesn’t go how you want it. Along the path is so much beauty, there are so many blessings, but it’s not easy to get there sometimes. The body grows tired, it can be painful, there are times where I am so out of breath that I have to keep telling myself to keep going. The weight of life or the weight we carry hangs over us, stops us, keeps us from progressing, even our physical disabilities hang on us, feeling like for myself literally a hundred-pound leg we are dragging up, or the weight emotionally or mentally we have on or within us. The voices of others can sometimes be encouraging and other times they remind you of your challenges; your weight and how limited you might be.

But, we can get there… that is the lesson, we can get there and we can do it! It is hard, it is challenging, but we can make it to the top. I hiked that Tuesday evening for me and for my dad. As I sat on the mountain peak and felt those tears flowing down my face, I felt a peace and a joy I have very rarely experienced. I felt immense joy in what I accomplished and relief for myself and towards the heaven’s that it was done dad, I did it for us.. although you couldn’t, I did it for us.

It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had honestly, it was a moment in time I will never forget and one day as I pass on and finish this earthly journey, I want to be able to say the same,” I did it Father, I did it!”

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”– Lou Holtz

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”– Kenji Miyazawa