20 Years later.. since High School

“how sad and bad and mad it was - but then, how it was sweet”

―Robert Browning

It has been 20-years to the date since I graduated from High School; 20 years. I sit here and wonder where the time has gone, but in serious reflection know a lifetime has gone by since then. There is a danger sometimes in looking back on things, the joys and pains that you have worked through or once felt can be brought to the surface.

High School for me was summed up as Dicken's once said," It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I look back on that girl in the pictures and I don't even know who she is anymore. But I also look back on her now with so much compassion and love. I long to take her in my arms and just hug her and reassure her, to give her much needed comfort and advice.

As a teenager I was like any other in certain aspects, I had emotional and now that I look back, very hormonal ups & downs internally. One day would be great, one day would be excruciating. As an adult, I can see it clearly and with a clean lens and as teenagers we can sometimes have that foggy filter in front of us that skews things in our mind and exaggerates or exacerbates moments.

I don’t want to get into all the negativity of my high school experience since I have grown and also worked through a lot of it, but I can sum it up easily. I came from a very religious background, we were very poor and I was overweight and also very introverted. Those first 3 elements would cause many, I mean many harmful and hard experiences, making each day those 4 years really rough for me, I won’t go into it since I suspect since we are all adults now and hopefully can look back on it with some regrets a need to be better people.

Now the nice thing to know, now-a days is what an introvert is, but in the 90’s it wasn’t even a thing. I knew internally I was super shy and anxious; trying to be an extrovert or be what I saw in others caused some hard experiences for me. I would say crazy dumb things or tell jokes loudly just to feel accepted or even noticed but internally was having anxiety attacks, not knowing how to be funny or ever accepted. I was socially awkward or as I say, quirky and that doesn’t always come across well. I had two older brothers who were more well-known in our small school for their talent in sports, and I was the complete opposite. I personally had found joy in the arts and because of a physical disability never could do athletics.

The arts and my small group of friends were definitely the best of times. Art helped develop me, it showed me I had some talents and was a wonderful escape from the world around me. I had an amazing art teacher who believed in me and encouraged me to explore those talents. She showed me new experiences through art programs and summer classes and showed me what it was to dream.

Art helped me with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was able to take any feeling I had and put it on paper or canvas. I knew a lot of the depression and the teenage angst could be placed and released through a paintbrush.

In my friends, I could laugh, be my weird goofy self, they were my confidants, my window to normalcy and joy. I have many fond memories of them, including my 17th birthday party, rides in my family van, and trips to the only late-night restaurant that existed near our village; Denny's. If it hadn't been for some of my friends and their kindness or the love of their parents, I suspect I wouldn't be here physically, they truly saved my life.

When I graduated, I was beyond ready for what was next. I know that is how a lot of 18-year-olds are, you are ready to start your life, ready to have adventures, ready to move on. I felt like life was open to all possibilities. During the teenage years, it felt like I had been trudging through mud, always seeing what was in front of me or could be on the horizon, but life was just harder. In my innocence, at the time I thought that was temporary.

Now 20 years later, life continues to feel like I am trudging on, my list of dreams I had at 18, well, none of them came true, none... Life in every aspect has taken a different course or path for me. What always seems easier for most, just doesn't happen in the same way for me. I don't feel bad about it, but it is true. College took longer for me to do, and then I ended up going back for a different degree out-of-state. Having a home isn't even in the near future, nor is a spouse or children. My health continues to be a challenge. Financial freedom isn't even a spec in my horizon or accomplishing my business goals.. but 20-years later, with some perspective I also can see how amazing my muddy journey has been.

I moved out of New York at 19 and have since lived in several states and am settled down near Salt Lake City. Even though I have not been able to use my first degree in any area, it gave me an opportunity to study abroad in Italy which was one of the most amazing experiences I had. I also showed myself, although it took a long time for me, that I could finish college and accomplish something. Graduating with my first bachelor's degree was a very proud moment for me. I always felt because I was more artistically oriented that I was dumber than my other siblings. They seemed to be more skilled and directed towards areas in law and the medical professions. Artists were notoriously always known for poverty and struggle, to be creative always meant less financial means.

In going back to school in California years later I found the strength within I didn't know I had, I found a true passion in design and other areas I could apply it to, realizing that Genealogical Design would be my greatest joy. I discovered in this pursuit of additional education, I was actually really smart in my own way and learned to ignore the inner negativity. Seeing that if you tell yourself you aren't intelligent you believe it. I now can't learn enough, I always want to learn and know more. I live for intelligent discussions and historical conversations.

Although the home, finances and spouse have and are not within my entire grasp right now, I have found joy even in their absence. I have found time in my life to work on projects that no one else could ever devote their evenings/weekends to which connect family, friends, and generations. I have found that you don't need to have a spouse or children to know what it is to love or be loved. I get to spend time with nieces and nephews that have truly become the brightest stars to me and connections with siblings that are stronger due to time I can give towards keeping in touch. In the lack of money, I get to experience being constantly humbled, patient, and the hardest one, willing to accept the service and help of others. I have found the drive in me for the future to make it better. I get to learn how to continuously drop my pride. I have also learned the skills of frugality and in the lack of funds found how amazing a gift it is to simply walk in nature, or spend time with someone. You appreciate what is already in your grasp.

In looking back on the last 20 years and High School it has been both painful to me and a blessing. I have been able to see how far I have truly come, looked at my memories to see them differently and how much stronger I am because of those moments. I have come to appreciate that each of our paths is laid out according to its own plan, I am not like others, and that's okay. I don't think I was ever meant to live the lives of those around me, I rejoice in finding light and joy in my life.

Now a toast to the next 20 years, may I triumph or simply be better because of them. May I know that I did the best I could and tried to the best of my ability. Cheers to finding joy & love in each moment and relationship.

“To look back, to go back, is not to be weak. It is not to reopen wounds. It takes strength,

it takes courage. It takes a person who is more in control of who they are to cast a discerning, non-judgmental eye over who they once were.”

―Cecelia Ahern, Postscript

Below are some moments from High School